It’s not that I tried to listen but couldn’t comply. I think that I never listened even though I seemed timid, willing and shy. There was always, from the beginning, another, clearer, louder voice in me.
So, I kept wandering without insurance. I failed more times than I can remember. I kept abandoning each lie that I came across and couldn’t serve, no matter the cost. Those around me thought I was crazy, and maybe I was. I just couldn’t forsake that voice in me that was clearer, louder than the voices of comfort or security.
They were right in many ways. The clearer, warmer, brighter that inner presence became, the fewer people remained around me, the more unpredictable/unconditioned my days became. But they were wrong about loneliness, misery, regret; they were wrong about so many things that they never spoke to me about or taught me.
How could I have wasted even one moment of my life for the illusion of comfort or safety, when none of those moments will ever come back, when the hand of death can’t secure safety? In their compromised lives their eyes remain empty, wondering what it would be like if only… In their waxed formations, they are still afraid, still alone, in the midst of everything they have achieved.
It’s not their fault. It’s no one’s fault. They didn’t even realize that they were getting stuck; sinking more and more in a quicksand they can’t get out of. Many still don’t.
I wish I could tell them that it’s like reading your life’s
history book, and each time that you do, you discover more gems than you ever
thought possible, more wisdom than you could ever imagine existed, while you’re looking
for it elsewhere. That every time that you read it, your life's story changes!
We might speak the same words but not understand the same things. The amazing world of individuated interpretations! But they’re still addicted to who is right and who is wrong, preserving lies, deceiving their existence, or maybe not.
I think the most difficult task has been – still is - to let
go, let them fall as they wish, while never abandoning them at the same time.
When you’ve eliminated judgment, understanding and compassion is all there is. "Lonely" just doesn't exist.
Sometimes I wish I knew how to write poetry. It's the only way to truly express what really is, I think. I guess I turned my life into poetry and left the words to poets. So, these words won't matter either...they were wrong. We don't change with anyone's words. Tomorrow, my life story won't look like today's.